Monthly Archives: September 2012

Getting the job done

When we started all this moving mess Thursday, I would have never guessed that by Saturday night, we would be done.

Draco and I both hate moving and because of that, it’s usually something that gets procrastinated over.

The last time we moved, it took the better part of a month of days off to get it done.

When Draco looked at me yesterday afternoon and said we’d be done soon, I thought he’d bumped his head.

Sure enough, by 5 pm, we were pretty much done.

Having or own place again this weekend had been an experience. It’s been over 3 years since it was just us or just us and Mini-Me.

I can’t lie, our place is tiny and with three of us here and moving that fast, the house is like an obstacle course right now and the attic is about to burst at the seems, but I know I have the tools I need to get things under control. It’s just a matter of getting there.

I’ve realized this weekend that even though helping my parents was necessary, and I will be forever grateful for L and all she’s done to help us, that Draco and I just aren’t cut out for living with other people.

It’s not the other people, it’s us.

This little apartment made us both raise our eyebrows for a minute, but now that we’re here and getting settled in, it seems to be growing on us both. We’ve had a few moments of clear floors to see that once everything is put away, it will be fine.

I’m not kidding when I say we’ve lived in worse.

Our last place was an emergency move. We were supposed to be buying a house from a friend of a friend to keep her family home from going into foreclosure. She seemed so sincere and we trusted her, making payments through her to the finance company. It seemed like a perfect solution for everyone. Until I found out that the payments we were giving her never saw the finance company and that she was telling people we weren’t paying.

The fight that ensued was huge and ended with them threatening to call the police on me and Chicklet because I told her I was going to beat her ass and meant it and Chicklet nearly did.

In the end, the house was being foreclosed on quickly and we had to leave fast.

The only place we could find that would allow us to have our bulldog was an old hotel that had been converted (and I use that term loosely) into apartments.

It was in the middle of one of the worst neighborhoods in town and my bathroom and kitchen were one room. Not even kidding. It was horrible. We had no car at the time, so we didn’t have much choice.

Compared to that place, this place feels like a mansion!

Overall, L has taken us leaving better than I thought she would. I think it helps that we are just down the street from her.

Money will be tight the next few weeks as we begin the process of straightening things out here and all of our personal bills come due, too. Internet, other than on my phone, will have to wait a few weeks, so all of my blogging will be done via my WordPress app for now and I’m already in the grip of World of Warcraft withdraws.

Never fear though, I’m not going anywhere, especially now that I have my own place again!

I will leave you with a picture of my youngest granddaughter that I got to see this weekend. Can you believe those little chunky checks!!

image

Blessings )O(

Fire Fae

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Focus

As a Pagan, much of my life revolves around focus and intent. It’s important in the practice of my craft to be able to give something all or none of my attention, as is the need.

Some things are difficult for me to do, like sitting with a “quiet mind” in meditation, others seen to come quite naturally. Focus is one of those things, sometimes to a fault.

I have a tendency to obsess over-focus. This week is a perfect example. It’s hard to get my brain to form a coherent thought that isn’t somehow tied to us moving.

I’ve tried writing about other things and as a result, I have a handful of unfinished posts in my draft folder. Nothing will come that doesn’t tie in with what we are experiencing right now, so I finally gave up fighting it.

The interesting thing about magick, is it’s not what most non-pagans believe it to be, and everyone does it, even if they don’t realize it.

People watch TV shows and movies and get the idea that we believe we can vanquish demons our shoot sparks from our fingertips.  We don’t sacrifice people or animals.  We don’t manifest monsters to attack our enemies.

Magick is simple and complicated all at the same time.  It can be as simple as making a wish before you blow out the candles on your birthday cake or wishing on a falling star.

The difference between Pagans and non-Pagans, is that we are aware of what we’re doing and we put more effort and belief into it.

Take this move, for example.  Draco and I have known for a long time that we needed to get our own place again.  We have been talking about it for almost 2 years, but we never put much of a real effort into it, magickal or mundane.  The time was never right.  Circumstances would prevent it.  We couldn’t find a place that met our needs.  There were many reasons why it hasn’t already happened, but the main one is lack of focus.

Birthday Cake

Birthday Cake (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Several days before my mother actually died, she elicited promises from some of the key people in her and my father’s lives.  I was no exception to this.  The only person that knows even close to the extent of the promises I made is Draco.  I tend to take death-bed promises very seriously because I believe that if you promise someone who is dying that you will do something and you don’t, it can keep their spirit from moving on to where it’s supposed to go.

In the months since she passed, I have given much thought to those promises.  Some, I have already kept, others I haven’t.

Getting out on our own again was one of the promises I made, so since June, this has been weighing on my mind and heart.  I have put much thought into the need to get a place.  I have focused a large amount of my energy and mind towards it, while not actively looking.  I knew that the God and Goddess would point me in the right direction.  Granted, it”s taken 3 months for things to start lining up, but who am I to argue with Divine Planning?

This is how I try to live my life.  I know what I need, and I am more than willing to take any necessary steps in my mundane life to make things happen when I feel the time is right (like telling people we were looking to move and having them on the alert that we were receptive if they saw something they thought we might be interested in), but first, I focus.  I focus my energy towards what we need, and wait for the Divine to manifest it in my life.

Yes, we could buy a newspaper, go on Craig’s List, scoured the surrounding area for appropriate places, etc, and those things are starting to come into play now, but the first step for any Pagan is focus and trying to find the right timing.

The situation keeps changing, so I know that the Divine are still working it out on their end.  I know they have something particular in mind, I just have to wait for them to make it known.

We were planning to move this weekend.  To go ahead and take Mini-Me’s apartment to keep her from loosing it, but every time we start moving in that direction, there seems to be road blocks.  Something comes up that gives me a bad vibe about it.  Anyone who knows me well, knows that I depend heavily on “vibes”.  It’s what others might call instinct or intuition.  Usually, if something doesn’t feel right to me, there is a reason why and it usually ends up being a bad idea.

After discussing my feelings with Mini-Me, Draco and L, it was decided that we will wait.

I was worried about what would happen to Mini-Me if we didn’t go help.  Unless she goes to live with her boyfriend, she doesn’t really have any options.  Luckily, L is a very good friend and has offered to let Mini-Me stay here with us if she needs to, while we save up some money the month of October and the serious hunting will begin.

There are a set of apartments that Draco and I thought we might want, but after making a phone call yesterday, they don’t have anything appropriate for our needs available now.  I’m wondering if that is because that is not where we’re supposed to be either.

At this point, I’m really hoping that all of this energy (and the money we need to save), manifests itself in time for us to move before Samhain (Halloween).  If we are going to be moving this month, I would really like for it to be before then because Samhain is the Witch’s New Year.  I want to celebrate that in our new place.

Wish us luck, and I will keep you posted!

Blessings )0(

Mabon and a Moving Out Party

This weekend has been all about spending time with family.  Yesterday, we got together with our 2 youngest girls, along with one of the grand-babies and our youngest’s SO  (Chicklet went to a local Gay Pride march yesterday and didn’t get to go with us) and went to an outdoor movie showing of “Hop“.  Don’t ask me why they were showing an Easter movie here at the Autumn Equinox, because I have no clue.  They just were, and with our 2-year-old grand-baby, Little Diva, in tow, we decided to just go with it.

Everyone had a blast and there were smiles all around, especially when they played “I Want Candy” and Little Diva was shaking her booty! It was great!

After the movie, Mini-Me went to her place with The Thing (which is becoming more of a loving nickname than it used to be) to get him ready for work and the rest of us came home, where L’s friend was waiting with pizza.

When The Thing left for work, Mini-Me came back up here and we had a bonfire and we all proceeded to get more than a little tipsy sitting around on the back porch watching the fire.

This was a combination Mabon celebration and Moving Out party since this was our last weekend living here with L and Little Diva.  Next weekend when Draco comes home, we will begin the process of moving out and plan to stay in the new place his first night home so that I have time to adjust to the new place before he has to leave again.  It was sad and sweet all at once and L and I were even more playful than usual because although we’ll still see each other regularly, we won’t be living together anymore.

We enjoyed our time together and I got to not only be thankful for the abundance in my life, but I also got to spend time with most of the people who help make my life so abundant.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Equinox, be it Spring or Autumn!

Blessings )0(

Making Amends

Yesterday was an interesting day.  Things are still moving in many directions all at once and it’s hard to keep up with it all sometimes.

We are back on course for taking the too-small apartment that Mini-Me has been staying in.  Her situation hasn’t really changed or improved the way we’d all hoped and she still needs help, I’m convinced that with a little creative storage ideas that I can make it a home for Draco and myself once Mini-Me finds another job and moves out (which has been the plan since we first talked about doing this).

I don’t really talk about Mini-Me’s on again, off again, boyfriend, “The Thing”.  The reason why I don’t is because he has done some things during his relationship with Mini-Me (including getting his ex-girlfriend pregnant) that have really ticked me off.  He’s not been allowed at my house in months now because every time I tried to get over being mad at him, it seemed like he would do something stupid again and I’d be left to pick up the pieces of Mini-Me’s broken heart.  In my opinion, he hasn’t done anything even remotely redeeming – until tonight.

Mini-Me came up earlier to get L’s dogs in for her, something she does for her every night since she lives on the same street as us.  We got to talking and she told me that The Thing was once again at her house.  They’d had a big blow-up last weekend over his ex-girlfriend (now his Baby-Mama), and I thought she was finally done with him.  I should have known better since they’ve been doing this for over a year now, but a mother can hope.

As we talked, I told her she better enjoy it while she could because next weekend, Draco and I will be moving in, and with my feelings about The Thing, he wouldn’t be coming back there except to pick her up if she continued to see him.  She got a strange look on her face and got quiet.

I asked her what was going on.  Had he moved in?  She said that he kind of has, and that they are planning to get their own place as soon as they can after we get moved down there, they just can’t put it together in time before Mini-Me would have to leave, and that was going to be before her dad and I could get there to help.

So, he’s moved in till we get there and he’s reasoning to Mini-Me was that he didn’t want her to lose the apartment because we wanted it.  He was going to help her hold on to it till we got there….for us…

Considering our relationship, this took me completely by surprise.  I wasn’t sure how to take it, really.  I was surprised and shocked, and yes, a little touched by the sentiment.

So, although I’m still not certain how all this will turn out, and I do have my doubts as to if he’s really changed all that much or not, I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment and we’re trying to make amends between us, which has made Mini-Me deliriously happy.

I talked to Draco earlier and told him about all of it and I pointed out to him that if him and Mini-Me are going to live together, then according to our personal beliefs, they are as good as married.  That means that since she fully intends to be as much of a mother to his daughter as Baby-Mama will allow (they have an on and off friendship), that makes her our granddaughter, just as much, if not more than, Little Diva.  That means we have a grandchild who’s life we are missing because of my feelings for The Thing.  I can’t do that.  If my daughter intends to help raise this little girl, then I want to know her, and the only way to be able to do that is to make amends with The Thing somehow.

I’ll be honest though, it actually feels kind of good to be letting go of the anger I’ve felt towards him, and I have no doubt that my recent spiritual experiences are helping me to be able to do that.

Have you ever held a grudge or lasting anger towards someone and then let it go?  How did you feel?  Let me know what you experienced in the comments!

Blessings )O(

Sorting it out

WordPress

WordPress (Photo credit: Adriano Gasparri)

I spent a good long while on the phone with Draco yesterday, talking about what works and what doesn’t. I told him that the way we have been doing things, just isn’t working anymore.

It’s no secret that we’ve had some problems with him working out of town. Lack of communication has been a big problem. Ok, let me correct that, I have been attempting to communicate, but I feel like he just hasn’t been hearing me. I guess that’s one of the pitfalls of a 16 year relationship. At some point, one or both people stop listening.

Anyway, I told him that things aren’t working this way. There is nothing I can do about him working out of town. He says he’s going to find another job working in town, and he may. Rumor control says the company may be in transition, and those transitions may change things, but we’re not certain what. There are a lot of “ifs” and “maybes” running around, but it’s like I told him, I can’t live my life, or build a new one, on” ifs” and” maybes”. I also told him that I don’t feel that it’s fair for him to make all the decisions about our life here, when he’s never here.

For 16 years, I’ve let him rule the roost. He’s had final say (and veto power) on anything and everything. That was fine when he was here to deal with things, but now he’s not. I’m the one having to deal with it all, and I think that I should have more say in what’s going on. I also told him that I feel like he’s no longer making decisions based on our (or my) best interest. That his decisions are based on what he does and does not want to deal with. That’s not fair to me.

I must admit, I expected a fight. I expected him to flip out and for us to go through a power struggle over it all, but he didn’t. He actually admitted that some of his recent decisions have been based on him not wanting to deal with this or that right now, without much thought to what is best for me, or what I need or want.

We basically came to the agreement that I will stop bitching about him working out of town (I told him that he knows I don’t like it and wish he would get a job here, but me bitching about it all the time isn’t going to change anything), and I will start having control of what’s happening here. He will agree to whatever decisions I make (like I have him for the last 16 years), as long as I keep him informed on what I’m doing so that he knows what’s going on when he’s home on the weekends.

With that settled, I made the decision to come back to WordPress for the millionth time. My online bestie, @PonderingMama is probably going to kill me for moving again (she’s the one that put together this design for my blog over on Blogger). Luckily, I’m well versed in WordPress, and I was able to duplicate the design here with no trouble at all.

Why did I come back? That’s actually kinda complicated to answer.

For starters, I have to admit that I’ve never cared much for Blogger. I’ve been over there off and on, and while some people swear by them, I just can’t get a good vibe happening. My blog was beautiful (thanks to @PonderingMama), everything looked right, but I’m big on energy, and I just couldn’t get a good feeling happening.

WordPress does seem a little more complicated, but once you get used to it, it’s actually much simpler to navigate. I had my hosted blog through WordPress about a year ago and loved it. I cried when it messed up and went “poof” to wherever blogs go when they go “poof”.

Also? I’m about to move and I’m not sure what my internet situation will be till I get a few things straightened out, and the WordPress app on my phone is so much better and easier to work that my Blogger app. The Blogger app is constantly crashing on me and I blogged from my phone on WordPress for months and never had a problem.

And, there is the upcoming thing with the business. I want to have hosting for my blog again eventually and I will need a website for my business. I can’t afford to pay for hosting in two places and WordPress has a better hosting setup than Blogger and I hope to have my website for my business and my blog attached so it’s not so much to keep up with either.

I’ve had more hits on my blog today, while I was “moving in” than I’ve had in a month on Blogger.

So, for all those reasons, I am here, and I’m actually happy to be here. If I’m going to rebuild my blogging empire, (Ha-ha! That’s even funny to me!) then I feel that here is where that will happen. I sure hope so anyway. J

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