Walking In Shadow
They say things happen for a reason.
That even the seemingly bad things in life have a purpose, even when we don’t see that purpose ourselves at the time it’s happening.
I’m a firm believer in this myself. I truly feel that there are times in life when you just have to trust that Divinity has a plan and that they see more than you do in that moment, even when it feels like your life is being torn down completely.
I also know that this “tearing down” process is something that Hecate is well known for among her followers. Most people that work closely with her (and she is well known to approach those of us with Shadow Work to do) say that their lives seemed to be completely destroyed and rebuilt during their service to her.
I also know that this process I’m going through, even though it’s scaring the hell out of me, is for my own good in the long-term.
I know that it’s something that I need to deal with now that Mom has passed, my family has shown their true feelings towards me and I have moved away from the toxic relationships I have been involved in.
Taking my life out and looking at all the dark corners that I’ve tried to ignore for so long is not proving easy, no matter how necessary Hecate, or I, may feel that it is.
There’s been something of a power struggle about which pieces I deal with, and when. When I don’t agree willingly, She forces the issue, like She did yesterday when I was sought out in connection with my Dad and had to tell someone important to me that I’ve pretty much been disowned and why. It was humiliating and degrading in itself, but I got the distinct feeling that I wouldn’t be hearing from that person again now that Mom is gone and Dad doesn’t seem to want me around, which just added to my pain.
I had hoped for some kind of show of support. I should have known better.
It was just another time when I thought that after all that I had done, or tried to do, for someone we both loved, it would earn me some kind of love or respect from them and it didn’t even seem to matter what I had done or been through.
In the end, I guess I have exceeded my usefulness to yet another person I cared for and now I will fade into the forgotten corners of their world.
Amazing how things change when you refuse to be the “family bitch” or clean-up crew anymore. Suddenly no one needs or wants you around.
Lately I have felt a pull to other Deities, but I know that She is not done with me yet and that at least until I get a little further in my work with Her that She isn’t going to give me much room for exploring. Again, I know that this is necessary. I can get distracted easily (my legacy of ADD) and leave things unfinished if I don’t make an effort to stay focused.
I also know that part of the reason I’m finding other gods so appealing right now is because I don’t like the work I’m involved in with Hecate.
She is forcing me to not only see the people in my life without the filter or excuses I’ve spent my life throwing up in front of them to try to justify their treatment of me, but She’s making me see myself the same way.
As hard as it can be to be honest with yourself about other people, it can be so much harder to see yourself honestly, without a filter.
To have to take out decisions that were made – good and bad – and examine them without being able to make excuses; to have to admit the times when no matter what you told the world, the choices made were from somewhere selfish, is hard. To have to admit to yourself that you were wrong, or that something you’ve spent a lifetime blaming others for was really your own fault, is hard.
For those that think Shadow Work is easy, let me tell you, it’s not. It’s painful and emotional. It rips your heart out and holds it beating in front of you. It tears down your image of yourself and the people and world around you and leaves you with a view of your life, and the people in it, that you no longer recognize.
So, why would anyone choose to do it?
I can’t speak for everyone, but in my case, it was either accept it and do it, or I was afraid I was going to go crazy.
The nightmares I had after my Mom passed were robbing me of my sleep, my health and my sanity. I couldn’t take it anymore. Hecate, being one of the goddesses of the Underworld and Crossroads, offered me an option and I took it. In return, She took the nightmares away. Now, I am fulfilling my end of the agreement by dealing with my Shadow-Self and my Shadow Work.
I know that at some point in the future, She won’t be quite as overwhelming as She seems to be now. As I continue to move through the people and issues in my life that I have to sort out, the demand will lessen and I will have time to explore other deities and aspects of my spirituality and craft unhindered, but She is right in keeping me focused now, when it would be so easy to walk away and quit because it is painful work.
Have you ever had to do Shadow Work yourself? What was the experience like for you?