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PYHO: What Hurts The Most

I’m a day late with this link-up and I know I probably won’t get much return readership because of it, but this is a Meme I’ve been considering doing for a while now.  From now on, Wednesdays will be my PYHO day, where I share something close to the heart, something that is bothering me or weighing on my heart and mind.  Please be gentle…I am a Pisces afterall…

I think that everyone has a need to feel important.  You read all the self-help stuff, inspirational quotes and such that tell you to “love yourself”, “be important to you”, etc, and all of that is fine and well, but it truly isn’t the same as feeling loved and important to someone else.

These are feelings that we’re supposed to get from our family, be it the one that raised us, or the ones we raise and most especially from our partner.

I never had it as a child growing up.  It was missing in my first marriage.  I had hoped that my 2nd marriage would be different, and sometimes it is, but lately…well, lately I’m just not feeling it anymore.

My husband works out of town Sunday through Thursday.  He’s worked for this company before, and they worked out of town on a job for almost a year and it was a spectacular disaster.  Granted, at the time, we were pretty young and I was going through what I didn’t know at the time was a false pregnancy, I got diagnosed again with Hypertension and I had a handful of other health problems flaring up.  I needed him home and he couldn’t be and it caused a lot of arguments.

Fast forward to last May, when he brought up working for the company again.  I wasn’t over-joyed with the idea.  I remember what it was like before.  But, we’re both older and I thought life had settled down some since then.  He basically told me that this kind of work (which isn’t what he’d been doing since leaving the company) was the only kind of work that had ever made him happy.  What was I supposed to say?

I told him that if it was what he wanted, go for it, but we’d really have to work together to make things work with him being gone all the time.  He agreed.

Since then though, when he’s gone during the week, it’s almost like he has a different life.  One that doesn’t include me.  Our communication, even at night when the work is done and their at the house they’re renting down there for the night, is next to non-existent.  We barely talk.  When we do, he’s distracted and talking to the guys he works with, one in particular.  I’ve tried and tried to feel like we’re still connected, still a team, even when he’s gone, but he just doesn’t seem to be interested.  And we’re fighting again.  A lot.

I’ve tried targeting shows we normally would watch together if he were home and asking him if we can watch them together now and either talk on the phone or text while we watch…give me some kind of feeling of connection.  He says he will, then gets tied up doing stuff “with the guys” and is a no-show, or is late, or he falls asleep.  He’ll put his phone on charge and forget about it for hours and won’t answer texts or phone calls and say he lost track of time.

When I confront him with it, he claims it was an honest mistake or whatever and gets mad at me for being upset or feeling let down.  When I say we won’t make those kinds of plans anymore since he’s obviously too busy, he insists that we do and promises that next time will be different, but it never is.

I’ve even suggested that maybe we needed to separate (which I really don’t want), even just for a while, while he decides what he wants because it feels like he’s no longer in this with me and he freaks out and begs me not to leave.

 I don’t know what to do anymore.  He’s the love of my life, and our relationship has SO many good points to it when he’s not working away from home.  I kept telling myself that it was only until the end of the year and I could suffer through it, but now I hear rumors from one of the other guys wives that the company is planning to bid on another job there, which means another year (or more) of them working there.  I honestly don’t know if I can take another year.

He says he needs to work for them for 3 years to get the experience he needs to apply for the same kind of work locally, but I just don’t see me being able to do it if it continues to be like this.

I’m at a loss and seriously don’t know what to do anymore.

I know that no one can tell me what to do about my life, or my marriage, but I just needed to get it off my chest and I really don’t have anyone to talk to about things anymore, so I figured I’d do it here.

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An Unexpected Make-Over

Last night, I was working on a post and doing a little site-work.  I wanted to put in a comment system instead of just using the one I had, so I started trying to install one.

Let me tell you, while I enjoy using IntenseDebate on other people’s sites, it is a pain in the tush to install!  I’m sitting here minding my own business and it tells me I need to save my template and copy and paste this and that and before I knew it, my html had gone screwy!
Luckily, my good friend @PonderingMama was up and watching her Twitter and came and bailed me out.  Somehow, I ended up getting a make-over I had no idea I wanted or needed until she did it.  I love the new look of the site and all my social media.
Now, I’m all excited to get started with blogging again!
I got a little frustrated because there aren’t a lot of meme’s out there to get involved in for Pagans (at least that I could find) and I felt that getting my site out there and gaining a readership wasn’t happening the way I wanted.  Then, I had some personal stuff going on that I will talk about in other posts over the next few day, and before I knew it, the blog was sitting here unloved and unused.  
Now, I have a new look that I’m all excited about and I’m thinking about going back to the Meme’s that I was doing before a few days a week and then just blogging in general the rest of the week.
I’m so excited to be getting started again!  I hope you are, too!

Sunday Dump

I won’t even pretend I’m not inspired by Fadra from All Things Fadra and her Stream Of Consciousness Sunday meme. The truth is, though, I don’t have time at the moment to do the blog hopping involved in participating and I also tend to bend the rules and just dump for however long it takes.

If you feel so inclined, please go join the link-up at Fadra’s and if you do, leave me a link to your post in the comments and I’ll stop by. You won’t find a nicer bunch to spend your Sunday with.

Now, on to my dump…

I think I’ve avoided my Dad today. Not out of spite or anger, but just because I need some “me time”. I think I’ve earned it.

In the last few weeks, instead of dealing with my own grief, I’ve tried to stay strong for those that needed me. Now, I’m not planning to spend the night crying. If it happens, it happens and I think I’m entitled if it does, but right now, I just need the world to back off for a minute and let me get my shit together.

I need a minute to just be me with just my own worries and problems.

I feel like I’m in one of those over-dramatic movie scenes where the woman in a long, flowing dress stands barefoot on a cliff overlooking the sea with that spaced out look on her face. I’m never certain if she’s just thinking or if she’s gonna jump. That’s how I feel right now.

I’m pretty sure if everyone could just handle their own shit for 5 minutes, I might be ok…but if one more person demands I handle someone else’s shit, I might jump.

I have to admit, though it’ll probably piss a few people off, I’m even a little pissed at Mom right now.

There’s no way she couldn’t have known what kind of shape Dad’s in. Mentally, emotionally, financially. She knew.

My brother and I nearly committed Dad at the first of the year. Mom cried and begged us not to so we backed off.

Now, the one person he’d listen to is gone. No one can do anything except stand back and watch and hope for the best. No one will do anything but lay it at my feet.

I feel like I should have had help and I didn’t really except advice from Aunt D. I still don’t know what I would have done without her.

Draco left to go back out of town today and it hit me that I was going to be alone tonight. Really alone. I am now.

Right now, I’m just trying to get things off my chest so maybe I can relax for a change.

After this, I think I’ll just putter around the house for a bit and see how I feel. E said if it gets too bad to come have coffee at her work and I might. We’ll see.

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