Today I’m joining in with Shell for Things I Can’t Say.
I sit and think back over my life. At the times you were there, the times you weren’t, and the times you should have been. I think of the moments in life when I have needed you more than anyone or anything, and you weren’t there.
I wear the knowledge of this pain everyday, but especially now, as I need you again, and still you aren’t there.
Throughout my life, you have been many things to me, and I to you, but I always believed in my heart that we had a special bond that was just ours. One that defied everything, including the disapproval and jealousy of her.
So many times, I withstood her wrath of not being the favorite in my heart. I absorbed her vicious comments, her hurtful words, and lost her without ever knowing her love or approval, in part, because of my love for you.
Now, the pain I couldn’t deal with months ago consumes my heart. In spite of the hurt between us, I loved her too. I am alone with my pain because I don’t have you to turn to, and that is another pain.
I pick up the phone, knowing that even if you answer, you are too deep in yourself to help me now. I feel disillusioned, I feel let down, I feel abandoned by the one person I never expected it from.
You know the truth of the life she gave me, yet you deny it in honor of a memory that is false. The person you claim she was only ever existed in your mind. You deny me my truth to protect someone that never loved anyone more than she loved herself. When did I come to mean so little, or was your love for me only a by-product of your love for her? Did our bond only ever exist in the mind of a frightened child and desperate adult?
Yesterday, I picked up the phone again, not certain what to say if you answered. Uncertain even of how to talk to you anymore. Who are you to me now that she’s gone? Or have I become just another memory to you?
*This post is an attempt at healing. Since the loss of my mother, my family had completely fallen apart. Right now, I’m trying to work through my feelings about the only farther I ever had. A man who was once my God-Father become step-parent when I was 10. I have been a “Daddy’s Girl” almost my whole life. The separation since Mom passed is ripping my heart out, especially with the holidays at hand.