I’ve been mostly quiet this week, with the exception of my post about trying to heal some of the hurt surrounding my Mom’s passing. I haven’t been laying around all depressed and stewing in my emotional goo, like I thought I would be though.
The reason I’ve been quiet this week is because while I have been dealing with some pretty emotioal issues, I’ve also been doing something I haven’t done in years. Having a damn life of my own and taking care of shit.
I attempted to reach out to a few people this week that are always claiming to have my back but disappear whenever I actually need someone. (Call it what you will, but far be it for me to give up on someone without giving them opportunities.) Unfortunately, the result was the same either way and their name got a little
strike-through in my heart and their name also got deleted from my text list and call logs. Call it childish, but I didn’t want, or need, to constantly see their names everytime I pull my phone out.
I gave myself a little time to absorb the gravity of what I was doing and then I saw a quote on FB. It said:
“When life knocks you down, get up, smile politely and say ‘You hit like a bitch.'” – Author Unknown (and I can’t remember now who it even was that posted it.)
So, that’s what I did.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it didn’t hurt. It did. Still does, to be honest, but these choices were not my fault. I’m simply choosing to have some respect for myself and refusing to be used, refusing to crawl or beg anymore.
I have enough of my own shit to deal with without wasting my valuable time on people and things that do not bring me happiness.
So, after dusting myself off, I got on with my life.
I’ve spent some time talking to one of my sisters of the heart this week, the fabulous @PonderingMama, and gotten some much needed encouragement and support.
I also spent some time talking to a woman that’s very much like a mother to me, receiving some counsel on the situation with my family.
I’ve cooked, cleaned and cared for my family, spent time reconnecting with Draco (which has been beyond awesome, by the way) and played with my fur-baby.
I talked to both my girls this week and had the first positive conversation with Mini-Me that I can remember in a long time.
I’ve been working (sort of) for my landlady, doggie and house-sitting while she makes the holiday rounds with her family.
I even baked a cake. I can’t remember when the last time I did that was.
I’ve made some other decisions, too.
I broke down and finished the process of applying for help with groceries. The week before Thanksgiving was rough, and it scared me. The two weeks since haven’t been as bad, but I know winter is coming and hours could get short unexpectedly with Draco’s job.
Draco and I talked (again) about me working but after my complete anxiety attack while standing in line in the SNAP office, even I had to admit that there’s no way I can hold a regular job anymore.
So, I got the ball rolling for help. I’m (kinda) working for my landlady. I’m going to go get my leather stuff from storage, and I’m going to write my ass off in the hopes of maybe making some money writing from home someday, and I’m going to shuffle, juggle and budget my ass off in the meantime.
This has been my “Sunday Dump”. What do you you need to dump this weekend?